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Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
8:29 am - downdate1.3
Tues 5th August 8.29
Royally screwed up a pol sac on Friday- the first unit 4 SAC that I’ve managed to ruin. It hurts more than I thought it would, particularly as the SAC was on stuff I actually knew, and would have known regardless of whether we were studying it or not. Time management, writing to a lower denominator, yada yada.

But that’s Friday. Today is Tuesday, and, as there is nothing I can do about stuffing up a tiny portion of my study score/enter, I’m just not going to think about it. Tralalalalala..
distraction comes from interesting quarters… I don’t know how much to say about this, because I’m not sure of my position yet, and too many people are acquainted with this person.. but I think I’m in crush… but as I say, I have no idea, no concept of this being returned, so that’s probably something to forget about too.

I’m going to Sam’s Rock Eisteddford tonight. I get into marsh at 4.40, bus leaves 5.30 leaving me about 20 minutes to try and look amazing in… probably I’ll end up somewhere between mediocre and messy, but I am excited. It’s a bit of a break from routine (although sleep is looking more and more precious.) My big fear for tonight is that …certain people…will be on the bus, but I’m not going to allow myself to entertain such thoughts, because it’s a fairly ludicrous prospect anyway.

10.36. Am in L1.06 waiting for philosophy to start. Still have no print/net credit, but discovered can listen to music through poxy school set up, which is A Good Thing. (unlike irritating and loud year 10s who won’t piss off and leave the computer labs to people actually *pretending* to study..

current mood: fallibility- if that counts

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Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
11:23 am - burnt out
all i have done the past two and a bit days is sleep, cry, talk, homewoek, and worsip the porcelain goddess. eyes once soulful in expression are dry, crying only in their sleep- but my corpal form is collapsing beneath me, and all I've done is sleep. The well is dripping dry, and a firestorm approaches
whilst i try to dream it all away, huddled alternately shivering and flushing with heat beneath my doona, teachers hound my mother on the phone, accusing me of god knows what, staying home to avoid handing in my course form, or to avoid a bloody year 11 chemistry test. Odd how they think I'd miss three days of classes, and my responsibilities to Leo Club, to avoid a pass or fail year 11 test, or to not hand in a fo0rm that can be changed up until midway through semester1 next year. The doctors prescribed a mild form of sleeping pill, and yet another day off, to fall further behind. Just what I don't need- more sleep, and the opportunity to fall further behind. It's bullshit.
I have no energy, no fire anymore. I feel like a burnt out shell, the torched body of a deserted car. I was proud of the coating I had noticed, hiding angles and ribs that stuck out like picket fencing, but it turns out, this too was a symptom, and easily purged. Behind my eyes hides a deafening silence, heavy and painful, slowly deadening. there is a lonely mercy in sleep, where my worries disappear, for a time, but i know they must return. That to burn out entirely is to fail, and to fail at this point is so woeful a sin that i cannot even truly comprehend it, even as i slip along this pathway.
ihyfdttm.

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Monday, July 28th, 2003
5:00 pm
friends list= edited.
if you can read this, then you're still on it.
i'm just not interested in people who don't want to read what i write being here, so if you're taken off, it's as much for your own benefit as it is for mine.
further edits to come.

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Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
8:19 pm - : : . . .P.R.O.C.R.A.S.T.I.N.A.T.I.O.N. . . : :
She arrives home at 5.30, 6 if she's lucky. The checklist in her diary- two SACs, an oral, a few hours revision, a test, write an email to a neglected friend, clean room (floor should be *visible* beneath the cacophany\of laundry and textbooks). Oh, and she'd better check her email. a snack wouldn't go astray, reminds her empty belly.

2 hours later, she's downloaded one song. She's danced by herself in the loungeroom, leaping and twirling and singing. She's typed three headings- HVB, NICHOLAS and CRISIS for her first SAC. She's snacked, she's gotten involved in online debates over whether or not fat people should have to buy two seats on public transport (she said no, by the way). She's sung, she's gotten changed, she's chatted with her family. She's logged into sparknotes (ah, blessed sparknotes.). And it's 7.41, and where has the evening gone to? But that's okay, she'll update for Monica's birthday, and check on Lacey's journal, because she'll definitely start work on that History SAC at eight. And she can wing the english oral, and avoid the chemistry teacher (maybe postpone the test until next week, she plans to drop chem anyway) revision, schmevision, what are frees for? (She tries to ignore the persistent memories of nearly every free, spent chatting or reading novels, or checking the bloody timesucking email.) Yeah.. freees..

When she starts contemplating beginning a novel, she decides to start the work. And then, tea time, with the family. They feel neglected, she ought to make an appearance. Then, she will get those bloody sparknotes with the password and definitely start writing out plan on non net computer, so as to remove temptation. probably. But hotmail is taking ages to load, and she needs it to get the password.. she checks out kazaa.. mmm.. more evanescence songs.. and then she ought to..agh! now it's 7.49! Wait.. that's only eight minutes.. that's okay. not like that freaky time lapse thing where it went from 5.00 to 7.00 just before in one blank gaze.. hotmail can be very evil. She decides, perhaps missing some of the irony, that she should write an entry about procrastination.

She pictures finishing the entry (she will at some point in the future) then she's tired. Coffee! A shower! Anything so she can wake up enough to finish this sodding unit 4 history SAC! (sodding year 12 subjects).. But then, she's *tired*, and *cranky* and she only had four hours sleep last night, due to homework, and yes, more procrastination. (Realtime? Sparknotes STILL hasn't accepted the new password). It becomes very, very important to her that she start going through newspaper clippings for Pol (the SAC that's Friday, that she still has Thursday to study for), or colourcoding her timetable, or pinning photos to her photoboard. And, she still needs to txt Lacey to ask how camp is going, and if she's gone mad and slaughtered Pru for her immensely annoying and disturbing habits yet. (Lace? I bet she hogged all the hot water, didn't she, and STILL managed to pong out the cabin with B.O?). Then she gets distracted by all the beautiful teen open diarys she found after reading Lacey's, and horrid thought of Pru.. egad..

and it's 8.04, she's supposed to be working on her SAC.. .. but sleep is just so very alluring.. she'll wake up three hours early to finish it before school. No, really.. whoops, almost forgot to set the alarm.. But 'off' looks so very like 'snooze' who could blame her for that mistake? and it's 6.40, and she's running late for the train, hair askew and yesterday's mascara still adorning her cheeks.. .. but wait! locker keys are on her desk.. next to the unfinished SAC plan with the three headings...she grabs the keys, and grabs the plan, but it's too late, she'll still miss the train even if she leaves now. So, she puts the plan in her bag, and decides to relax. She plays guitar, thinking, "I'll plan on the train"..

The gentle rocking of the train lulls her asleep.- or, she lets it. Because 4 hours sleep is unhealthy, dammit.

It's ok, she'll wing the SAC. It's only worth about 3- 6 points out of 50 on the study score anyway.. and she wasn't going to get a 50 for Revs anyway.

We'll procrastinate exams when we get to them- (ie, We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it)
It is now.. 8.20 (and three headings..)

current mood: empty

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Monday, July 21st, 2003
11:29 pm - your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone.
oh Friedrich, why don't we go live in Norway? Don't they have clogs, and cheese there? And pretty little milk maidens, with their pretty little norwegian boys? The Beatles sang something of Norwegian wood, but I can never remember what the point of the song was.
Not Norway then? How about Iceland, home of the vikings? We could wear those hats with the horns...? no? Germany, with the beer?
England? Ireland, Scotland, Wales? Inside outside, inside.. out.. no, now I'm just being silly.

Why must we stay here? The absence of beautiful memories makes this place seem desolate, and I am keen to move on. The other side of the world is far enough, if it'll stop me looking for people I shouldn't. Nothing else has worked, but I'm sure the removal of one or the other of us will. It's like with Sable, the cat. He left, and we looked so hard for him. I"m pretty sure now that my parents got rid of him, or a vengeful neighbour, but so many months, looking under trees, listening for bells. I got into the habit. Even now, when I pass a grey tabby in the street I wonder if it's him. It never is, of course, but it doesn't stop me wondering. Having non existent conversations with myself, justifying.. seeking for an answer. Creating characters to tear me away, because simple writing just doesn't cut it anymore.

An hour spent, here and there, on work, SACs and maintaining connections. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one maintaing any sort of connection to me at all, and then I start to wonder if I even really exist, or if I'm the Marcy to your Sunnydale High (sorry, Buffy reference). Then I think of the email sitting there forlornly in my inbox, and I know I'm not alone, and that I owe you a reply. When I know what I can say, I will. at the moment I feel more dotted outline than person, and I know whatever I write will be of equal substance. You deserve better, so I am waiting.

But it's late, and inspiration for this, or for explaining the origins of the russian revolution or probability equations seems even less likely to appear. The only thing keeping me typing is this mysterious new font on notepad.. it's all long and angular. the kate moss of dodgy fonts. oOoh.. pretty.

right. i definitely should go get some sleep before i have to wake up again.

current mood: worn out, like my vans..

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10:43 am - stamped,sealed and delivered.

There y'go Sammy.

Update..
Life/Social Dilemna...has been..somewhat erratic. I keep wondering about my perception of people-everyone I meet and talk to seems relatively nice, but I guess my judgement must be kinda off. I still seem to fluctuate between like and dislike on a certain person,but I think I've settled on like- the dislike is myown stupid conditioning or whatever speaking. So,gut feeling= like. End mental discussion.

And then there're just random people I'm meeting through work, and we'll get chatting- I guess I'm a little less shy than i used to be-let's just say I'm working on it- and I'll be thinking that they're nice, or sweet, or friendly, or funny,or whatever.The point is, I don't see a negative at all.And then someone'll say" God, how can you talk to him/her? S/He's such a creep/slut, so annoying/ugly/weird/stupid/boring"
I hate judgement, I usually can't see these qualities even after I'm told them- but I can't help wondering why, especially as they are qualities I'm familiar with,i don't often find them in other people.

schoolresolving not to be so slack and actually turn up, on time, a bit more often. Study more,also, as I should be using all this time I currently conveniently don't have a social life in to get me a 99.8 TER..(i wish). Tomorrow is philosophy day, a bit of an oddity in the macrob curriculum for being held during the school day so we actually miss classes. Hurrah!
I get to adjudicate one of the quizzy things, and Peter Singer is coming to lecture, so should be good.

Wednesday is my slackday, i'm on roll- so i'll be seeing the marshians wednesday, front gate. 3ish. If i know you, say hi..your school is all intimidating for strangers.. :*)

clothes...loving my filthdenim jeans..

healthpersistent migraine thing in my upper right temple.. 's probably a tumour *g*

music can'tstop making compilations. And Paul-the-music-shop-guy keeps coming past work and not saying hi.

boys.. asknot, for there is nothing to tell.

emails are forthcoming..patience...

i get my skank night photos back on wednesday. if there are some thatdon'tlook much like me I'll try to post them here.. anyone know a free temp server? imagewiz seems to have disappeared..

current mood: lost

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Thursday, July 3rd, 2003
5:49 pm - "people will mistake it for a baseball bat" -spam.
an explanation, of cryptic sorts.
all around me are familiar faces, wornout places, wornout faces..
Trudge on forwards, towards a glimmer behind the trees in front of your feet. Nostalgic memorandum- there's no going back, but the desire to do so is overwhelming- for what is ahead? Age, death.. you will never be as youthful, beautiful or alive again as you are today- even if you don't see it. And yet, with Carpe Diem as a mindset you still hide in the shadows, afraid the sun will burn your eyes, and what will everyone think? The light behind the trees is little more than illusion, drawing you forward into the trap. The cheese desire of a monkey sprung race. Shaking away the blinkers of social repression, of desire to please, of expectation, you discover that the path you are on is not so much a path, but a colossal freeway, fastracking you from school to university to a respectable career, marriage, 2.5 kids, a collie and a white picket fence. Turning your head to the side, peering back into the oncoming traffic, thousands of souls await this most mundane of fates- their sole existence worrying about what everyone thinks, what they should be and do with their lives- forsaking happiness for goals not entirely their own. they probably won't even realise they've been duped until they're too old to do anything about it.
To the side there are numerous pathways.. Some are short, some are long.. daisy trailed pathways. Two roads converged in a wood, and I, I took the road less travelled by. And that has made all the difference. [poet.?.i forget who ] stepping to the side, out of the traffic, you observe the sneers of commuting souls above you. Looking down. Seek happiness? Puhlease. Happiness is, happiness is, happiness is.. It's fulfilling your potential.. it's obtainable in the 9-5...it's procreation, profits and perfect mancicures. Happiness can be found in business manuals, right under 'relaxation excercises and how to do them whilst sitting at your desk, surrounded by the mandatory 'happy nuclear family' photo and perfectly arrayed files. Neatness is happiness, perfection is order is saintliness. Bright and early for the daily race is, going nowhere, going nowhere
The bravery, however, to take the path less travelled by, is lacking. It's no nearly so well illuminated as the main road, and no one knows what may be lurking, just out of view, to jump out at you. The souls of the freeway sniff pointedly. It's all very well to seek happiness, but what about financial stability.. Who'll buy the cow if you give the milk away for free? And isn't happiness over rated? Wouldn't you rather be a sad successful millionaire than a happy drunk? and their tears are filling up their glasses, no expression, no expression Wouldn't you?
Time. We're running out of it, we're spending it, we're losing it. We're buying and selling it, as we buy and sell ourselves, but we never get it back. So what, if people look at you being loud and happy, being ugly and happy, being tarty but happy? Isn't the happy all that should matter? Well, isn't it?
And yet, espousing these ideals leaves me quailing, weak and empty.. Have the courage to define and chase a dream? Infeasible. Seduce someone? Impossible. Live, and be happy, regardless of the path life takes, regardless of the twists, turns and scathing expressions? Ludicrous. Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow, no tomorrow, no tomorrow
What if tomorrow never even came? or the day after? Wouldn't you regret all that tme spent crying in the shower, washing away your tears? All those times you never called, not because you forgot but because you were afraid they wouldn't want to hear from you.
and i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad,
that the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you, i find it hard to know.
When people run in circles it's a very very.. mad world.


current mood: confused

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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
6:43 pm - my mundane existence...
Acceptance. It's the key to feeling alive again. I realised today that I can accept that I don't belong here- and that makes it all the easier. I can see the beauty in this town if I look on it as a foreign place- I don't have to belong here. It sounds simple, but it took me so long to work out. I can accept being single and lonely, and have a damn good time doing so. Of course, this whole 'positive zen acceptance attitude' is probably doomed to failure, and personally I give me a week before it's back to the 'why doesn't he want me?' emo- Erin in a skanky skirt, trying to be someone i'm not, because who i am is not.. acceptable to some people, but meh. I guess you can't have everything.

Sorry if you're waiting on replies to uj/lj/emails. The net service is becoming increasingly erratic, and I'm hardly home to take advantage of it working on those rare occasions that it is..

_Friday_Desire and nausea make all humans from all eras equal. Truly, there's something primal about puking until you feel like you're about to turn inside out. Retching, dying, aching- for all of our finery, we are the same. In other news, the new chauvinist vline conductor feels sorry for me and is going to stop turfing me off the train in melton for travelling on a split ticket.

_Saturday_Recovered from flueyness, worked. Went to the slumber party of someone I haven't really seen in ages.. she's changed in a lot of ways, but there's a lot still the same. For one thing, I don't know that many sixteen year olds quite that interested in horses and dolphins.. but hooray for her, it takes all sorts.. Came home. Debooted, went to sleep.

_Sunday_
Worked. Came home and watched old black'n'white movies Roman holiday, partaking of the home made cafe culture... I knew I'd miss Melbourne.. say you're dying for a cappucino/frappucino out here and everyone looks at you like you're a) barking mad, b)pretentious and c)old.. So snug in my rug, curled up n a beanbag with foamy irish cream coffee, almond macaroons and an Audrey Hepburn movie, I was alone- but strangely content. Perhaps I need more of a social life. I wish I could share that with someone.

-Monday_
Worked a small shift, came home. Watched Buffy tapes.

-Tuesday-
Worked a 12-3 shift that became a 12-7 shift. Got onto the net briefly but didn't get the chance to do much. Bloody Iexplorer. Watched more buffy.
Haven't done any of the homework had planned for past four days. oh well.

-Wednesday_
Escorted Mum to Melton for her Chiro/Bowen treatment. Waited for about an hour in the shopping centre. Too many bogans.. I swear they're multiplying. The new cinema is an Andersons.. hopefully this means they'll be showing a few more arthousy kind of flicks.. I think La Lumiere on Lonsdale is an Anderson.. I could, of course, be extremely wrong, but oh well.
We went on to highpoint for the hideous experience of bra shopping... possibly the most boring and lame thing ever. I do however have a brand spanking new debt..er.. layby for lots of actual non-bra clothes, which has to be a positive. Hurrah for retail therapy- I'm still on a bit of a buzz.

Mundane enough for you?

current mood: borING

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Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
10:36 am - meaningless random crap
mmm... glorious double free.. I lost a huge entry yesterday, took me about 45 minutes to write and it included personal messages AND bad poetry. So, livejournal, mein freund und confidante, what are we going to do with you?

I've finally got some net credit again.. ooh, look, a site discussing the moralityof spam.
.. two year 12s are loudly discussing their boyfriends.. "I think you too are.. awww.. yeah, fully.. don't think about that now.. it's all i ever think about.. aww he's so cute..ohmy god, that's so, it sounds like Romeo and Juliet or something..yeah fully, cos y' just feel weird..nah, i reckon.. hasn't he told any of his friends? .. nah.. well, you've told like everyone..aw.. he's so sweet".. It's not eavesdropping if you can hear it over the foo fighters on the highest possible volume, and you're trying really hard NOT to hear.. Sandra, if this is national sex week until thursday, why aren't I getting any? I want some! That's right, y'hear? I'm pathetic and desperate and naked! well, not really, but still, made everyone recoil in horror, eh?

Hurrah for Revs! We get an excursion to Russian Ark at the Lumiere, which means yay, arthouse film, but even better, YAY no Chem! No sitting for bloody exam which we have already been told is not worth anything.. right.. just spent a whole chunk of time on a quiz to be posted later.. will be off..

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Friday, June 13th, 2003
9:33 pm - cold turkey, hot coffee. Light and fluffy entry for a change.
I think I may be set to become a caffeine addict. I've found the wintry equivalent of the mighty mighty frappucino- Irish nut Cream Coffee. It's from Gloria Jeans (kinda neutral ground so I'm not committed to either the HD or starbucks factions) and it's extremely heavenly. The scent, the taste. One sip and a whole day worth of tension drained out of me.

Grr.. just when I psych myself up to do another entry, and the computer is all steadily beoming unavailable. Dont'cha hate that? Oh well, makes this an easier entry than it was going to be- I was going to have to write about how ineffective my little vacation from me was, but I guess I'll save that for another day. Possible photo as soon as I work out how to use the primus webspace thing for image hosting.

it's the weekend~

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Thursday, June 5th, 2003
12:33 pm
You're Sensitive and you'd like to stay that way..
-Sensitive- You're Sensitive, and you'd like to
stay that way. Sorry,listened to a bit too much
Jewel there. You're sweet and very emotionally
charged. You definitely love the person you're
with, and always want to know how they're
feeling so you can make sure they're happy.


What Kind of Girlfriend would you be?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm on Bec's net credit (she's cool, she's a physics fiend, check her out). I ran out of my own this morning printing tab for the long weekend. bliss.

Damn. Just realised how tragic that quiz looks. I think I need to look like a total tramp on Friday and just escape from being me.

Friday:

sleep in,
9.00 Driving lesson
-innoculations for flu.. *owie*
-shoe shopping in melton. i need daria boots.
if this fails I'm jumping on a train and gettign the genuinely slutty ones seen on chapel.
-netting, catching up with the mails.
-guitar.
-some homework.
-3.10 meeting Sam Sammy Jess at their school and walking them home.
-5.00ish getting home, getting changed.
-6.00ish meeting up, going out for tea and wandering aimlesslyin mockery of all true bogans everywhere..
it's gonna be beautiful.

I want a vacationfrom Willow Rosenberg me, cords, homework, shyness and emotional doormats.

current mood: excited

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Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
6:25 pm - Fighting for Peace is as useful as Fucking for virginity
With eyes unseeing, and mind unkowing, there are certain truths that you may never

learn.

Fear is everything. Without it, there is no identity, no 'me'. such a primary

motivatation leaves little room for the next motivation, which is affection- but not

love. Because

love

is a concept impossible to pin down, and all it does is hold you to the wall while

you're getting your face punched in. purpleblueblackred.

And you speed past, as life does. Like everything's some kind of way more reliable

public transport systm, a steam train, and I'm sitting on the station bench, outside

time, swinging my legs and just hoping there'll be another way to get to the

destination. That i can forget where I'm coming from, and find somewhere in fromt of my

feet that'll take me in, let me build myself a life worth living. A heart worth holding

on to. What will you never learn? That the most precious thing anyonecan give you is

their
trust, their love and their friendship- but you'll never get it unless you're willing to

return the favour. Happiness is not a cellophane wrapped present, a gift or a massive

goal-or, in your case, willing tits with grog discounts- (ouch! that was bitchy).

Happiness is appreciating all the little things, stopping and smelling the roses.

Happines is..

philosophical talks with kindred souls at 4am.

watching the sun rise on a new day, and set on an old one.

those little thoughts that just strike you and make you smile at inappropriate times..

good conversation, beautiful weather, and moments to take home with you to keep the dark times at bay.



i'm thisclose to never thinking of you again.. *cheers*
to the rest of you, those who actually are reading this, because you never would (or should)-
may your lives be filled with every kind, colour, shape and size of happiness,
may your hearts find the love you seek
may the promise in tomorrow's sunrise be fulfilled in your all your days.

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10:44 am - yay trina!
Trina: Shirene, do you find me sexually attractive?
Sheeny: Whhhyyyy?
*pause*
I'm not really that way inclined..
Trina: Would you BECOME that way inclined if I took my top off?
-------ALIYA: Ew! Look, it's rubber!

So, obviously, you're all wanting to come to my school now, eh?
macrobbish things, which I maybe ought to have posted in uj, due to the huge number of macrobbies there- Samie, Aliya, Sarah, TRina, Bec, Sheeny, Em, Mon, Andge and Sandra to name just a few-
Hurrah! Aliya's posse has now collected at least 8 of the pink builders flags used to mark the fresh concrete... Ms Boston has not yet exploeded, but, any day now. Probably this is just an extension on Sandra's collection of computer stickers (L203, there's still one in here if you're reading this) but maybe not. Maybe we're all embarking on a life of crime (remember, jaywalking is the first step to a life of crime..)

That was quite possibly the extent of my school spirit for this entry at least- I'm just loving the Wednesdayness of today, leaving 1.30! wooh! also, Friday is a curriculum day which means HURRAH! SLEEP! Also, the monarchists may have a valid cause, as monday is the Queens Birthday holiday, so hurrah to the old cow (and thanks for the opportunity to sleep in, but not for the sunday timetable on a monday, bitch!

current mood: cheerful

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Thursday, May 29th, 2003
10:39 am
Well, I'm here in the labs- this is supposed to be recess- doing the email/journal thing cos I know if I try and do it in my double free i'll get nothing else done.

The glare, the disapproval, was vivid in it's intensity- and yet, I could only barely find it in me to care. I passed. I did the best I possibly could have on that test, various extraneous conditions considered. Ideally, yes, it would be nice to score wonderful marks, top the class and be a mathematical genius, but I guess, to the disappointment of the math teacher, my father, my mother and my sister, I'm just not. The wonderful english teacher was telling me that I don't need methods- just a nice TER. Apparently if you do well enough in your uni course you can course jump until you're happy- her example was a friend who went from law to med, dabbling in arts. I don't need to worry about methods fcuking up my TER, don't need to kill myself with stress. (see equivalent uj entry) I just need to reconcile myself to the idea of not doing methods at all. And making it to thirty-five without burning out of society, or having some kind of major coronary failure.

I tried the relaxation thing last night. It kinda worked, except now I have a whole stack more work to get done. Ah well. kudos to the QB weekend thing- treelo_13, it's gonna rock.

current mood: lost

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Friday, May 23rd, 2003
2:37 pm - : :.: P :; :', := :; ( ': ~:~ : :: ;\|
I don't fit here. This body, this skin I hide behind, restricts, confines. When I die will I be set free, or trapped further, immobile in a cage of dead flesh? " You can die but you're never dead" sang the chili peppers.. but I am in a state of deadness right now. Alive, but not of the living. Not dancing in the sunlight, not enjoying the simple pleasures, not being enfolded by those I care about and not inturn enfolding. I despise couples.

Twinned happiness, twining glory as they shove their happiness in the noses of determinedly blank-faced singles.. we all try to look away, not wanting to see the secret smiles and soft kisses. wanting what they have, but not being able to have it is a kind of torture. No one wants to ask them to stop.

Blissful tingles
Numb embrace
Could this be love?
or is it hate?


Some days I open my eyes and I can see the sparkle in the world at the edges of my vision, untainted by my own views on the emptiness and be-all end-all ness of life. The idea that there's no one out there, that I truly am alone in a way my friends can never heal, the one void they can never fill, is a truly depressing one.

Nine Days- Story of a GirlThis is the story of a girl
who cried a river and drowned the whole world
while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles (kay maybe not the above bits)
How many days in a year
She woke up with hope
And she only found tears
And i can be so insincere
making the promises never for real
As long as she stands there waiting
wearing the holes in the soles of her shoes
How many days disappear
you look in the mirror so how do you choose
The clothes never wear as well the next day
And your hair never falls in quite the same way
you never seemed to run out of things to say..

As you can tell from the crapness of the entry, I HAVE run out of things to say, so I'm going to go now. I wonder if he's getting smarter and happier as I sink slowly below the surface of what can possibly be considered humanity, in a symbiotic relationship to the death? I wish he'd just leave my dreamspace alone, if he won't be there when I awake.

current mood: lonely

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12:40 pm - Antisocialist superstar
here I sit in the spreading of disease, bitterness tainting my voice, soft scarf constraining angry words. Keeping it all inside, directed at the heart of the problem, a girl so broken she doesn't even know how to love anymore.

Is this what brings disease? Cankering, rotting from the inside out, where the laughter has died and the words have dried up, no more soothing balm built of expiation. How to heal in a world where smiles have daggers behind them, uncomfortable surrounds chafe and burn at 'self'. What 'self' is I don't even know anymore, but it seems to be shrinking. Folding in on itself like a macabre origami crane, until it returns to the nothingness from whence it came.

Happiness is a daydream, and I have awoken. Seeing the true nature of the world, why would we choose to be here? and yet it's unfair to blame the world for the destruction we have caused. It is our society, breeding disgust, loneliness, antisocialites.

I place the ear phones over my ears and draw my jacket tighter around me. Turning the volume up I close my eyes and my ears to the world around me. But I can't silence the thoughts, can't stop...

current mood: sick

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Tuesday, May 20th, 2003
6:30 pm
crossposted to the uj:


and.. cross posted from my lj on the basis that i am a lazy sod with a philosophy sac to slep through tomorrow-

the goo i made in chemistry is going to take over the world. plus, it's a prettiful indigo colour, which is nice, even though it in itself is evil goo for trying to eat my scarf. badbadbad gooo.
i have a fever from stacking out the freezers and coolrooms at work on the weekend, and am feeling oddly hazy. All my subjects want to poke, prod and assess me over the next two weeks. owie.
please ignore me.

current mood: anxious

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Friday, May 16th, 2003
10:13 am - run to the water; find me there- burnt to the core but not broken
I can see the world in the raindrops on the window. Sky is at the bottom, road is up the top. We are upside down in our perceptions, lost and frail. Each raindrop will fade, evaporating into nothingness, and there goes another universe.

Everything is so distorted. I want these worlds to stay, but at the same time I need them to go. They are not good for me.
I wish I could stop seeing them. My love is like a raindrop, an all encompassing illusion of something altogether purer, more real. Funny howtalking about raindrops on a train window can lead my mind to this place. This space behind my eyes refuses to shut up, drawing connections where there are none, creating sweetness where sourness reigns, and always seeing the good in that which I know to be wrong. Tainted by this bizarre fear of being alone, forever.

More fortunate than some perhaps, I have my friends- shining guardians of the beautiful things in life- Trace and her passion, her laughter, her affection, her humanity.Her marvellous taste and wisdom. Lace and her sweetness, adorable in the way she lives life as fully as she can. She acheives when many would have given up. Shirene for listening, for being herself, for ...

damnit, social club.. this means i will finish this later.

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9:49 am - for the benefit of Mistress Sammy
GIR
You are GIR. You are... completely insane... and,
quite possibly, the most lovable creature in
the universe. Whether you're screaming and
running into things, making soap with bacon,
watching mindless television programs, or
devouring everything in sight, there's no
question about it--you are filthy with
cuteness... like a baby... except... metal.


The Greatest, Most Advanced Invader Zim Character Profiling Quiz EVER!!!
brought to you by Quizilla

Hey sweetie! My new expeditions of acquisition on Chapel mean that I may be working on the 24th.. Don't hit me! I'll try and get out of it! Sheesh.

Now, I am going to proceed to ramble about those acquisitions, because retail therapy is the friend that stops me going completely insane with unworthiness and insecurity.

*~*Layby(1)(aka, The Sexy Jacket)Chocolate brown knee length Afghan coat, with brown and white fuzzy (non fur) trimmings. fittedish. pretty.*~*

pain in the ass to get to though, being as the bloody shop is in Chapel St, and Erin still hasn't got the hang of walking quickly past all the pretty displays..


*~* Layby (2) (aka Wintryness) crazy jumper in all sorts of wools and textures, purplish/burgundy/brown/orange/.. it may _sound_ ugly, but that's due to my inferior description abilities.Plus, ooh, sale. Also, kinky little corduroy skirt- not _toooooo_ kinky, but kinky enough for my purposes, perhaps..

I know it won't make me happy, but it is giving me somewhat of an excuse to feel..better? At least in the short term.It's escapism of a sort, because i've never been able to do this before-just go out and start building myself an outfit, out of parts of my character no one ever sees.

Couples are really bothering me at the moment, with their coupleishness. kissing on public transport, holding hands. I admit to a feeling of pure envy- I want what they have.(Maybe not *who* they have half the time,but just someone.Someone who can hold me in their arms and tell me it's all gonna be okay.

It's not going to be okay.

Clicking update now before i lose the nerve and delete this for showing you all how shallow and pathetic I really am.

current mood: confused

(1 comment | comment on this)

9:49 am - for the benefit of Mistress Sammy
GIR
You are GIR. You are... completely insane... and,
quite possibly, the most lovable creature in
the universe. Whether you're screaming and
running into things, making soap with bacon,
watching mindless television programs, or
devouring everything in sight, there's no
question about it--you are filthy with
cuteness... like a baby... except... metal.


The Greatest, Most Advanced Invader Zim Character Profiling Quiz EVER!!!
brought to you by Quizilla

Hey sweetie! My new expeditions of acquisition on Chapel mean that I may be working on the 24th.. Don't hit me! I'll try and get out of it! Sheesh.

Now, I am going to proceed to ramble about those acquisitions, because retail therapy is the friend that stops me going completely insane with unworthiness and insecurity.

*~*Layby(1)(aka, The Sexy Jacket)Chocolate brown knee length Afghan coat, with brown and white fuzzy (non fur) trimmings. fittedish. pretty.*~*

pain in the ass to get to though, being as the bloody shop is in Chapel St, and Erin still hasn't got the hang of walking quickly past all the pretty displays..


*~* Layby (2) (aka Wintryness) crazy jumper in all sorts of wools and textures, purplish/burgundy/brown/orange/.. it may _sound_ ugly, but that's due to my inferior description abilities.Plus, ooh, sale. Also, kinky little corduroy skirt- not _toooooo_ kinky, but kinky enough for my purposes, perhaps..

I know it won't make me happy, but it is giving me somewhat of an excuse to feel..better? At least in the short term.It's escapism of a sort, because i've never been able to do this before-just go out and start building myself an outfit, out of parts of my character no one ever sees.

Couples are really bothering me at the moment, with their coupleishness. kissing on public transport, holding hands. I admit to a feeling of pure envy- I want what they have.(Maybe not *who* they have half the time,but just someone.Someone who can hold me in their arms and tell me it's all gonna be okay.

It's not going to be okay.

(comment on this)

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